Rule #4: Stop the Honking

Between people talking, kids screaming, trucks roaring, trains zooming, construction rumbling, and cars stopping and going, a city is not the center of peaceful zen living. Which is why it's all the more annoying when people add honking to the mix-- not because they are about to get hit or because someone is sitting oblivious at a green light, but because they're not moving and that pisses them off.

I understand that sitting in traffic sucks and that everyone has somewhere they need to be, but contain your rage to shouting, pointing, and swearing like a normal human being. Nobody is psyched about gridlock, and if someone isn't making a turn in front of you, it's not because they hate getting somewhere on time, it's because the phrase "inadvertant manslaughter" exists.

Same goes for laying on the horn simply because you're frustrated that none of the cars ahead of you have moved for three light cycles. There's nobody at the front of the line going, "Oh shit, a horn, let's all drive unobstructed now." Think about it-- you're honking at "Traffic." That's like honking at "The Dark." All you're doing is being super loud and frustrating everyone else around you.

Rule #3: Elevator Access

I was recently told that if a disaster occurred and everyone had to come out onto the streets of NY, there wouldn’t be enough room for everyone to stand. Aside from being tremendously disconcerting, this means that there are a whole shitload of people living and working in tall buildings. This also means that there are a ton of people in need of elevators. Now, you might think that my idea of being courteous means to always hold the elevator for someone, or make sure nobody else is getting on before you repeatedly start pushing the “close door button,” which, in my experience, is about as effective as the “traffic signal” button at an intersection. But no—eff that—I’m here to say this:

If the elevator doors are closing and they are halfway closed by the time you get there then you missed the goddamn elevator—wait for the next one. I get it: “Me see elevator, me want go up elevator, now!” But stop. This is especially true in an office building, subway station, or apartment building where there is an elevator bank and you aren’t rushing for the only available elevator. And here’s why:

1) Another elevator will be along shortly. I promise. There’s always one more person running to catch the elevator and if every one of them sneaks a hand in between the doors, no one is going anywhere, EVER.

2) Even if you do succeed in getting into the elevator, everyone on that elevator is going to hate you. They will stare daggers into your head, sigh audibly, and possibly even make a comment or push past you on their way out. I’m not saying they’re right, but why bring that kind of aggressive or defensive stress into everyone’s life?

3) If you call out to hold the elevator as the doors shut, someone inside is going to do that awkward thing where they reach wildly for the “open door” button, but miss, because nobody knows where the hell those buttons are when they need them. They’ll make that, “I tried!” apologetic face and you’ll make that helpless, “How could you?” expression of dejection and everyone walks away feeling bad. The person who caught the elevator shouldn’t have to feel like an asshole when all you had to do was not slow down to check your phone on the way into the building and you would have been on board, too.

Rule #2: Turnstile Courtesy (Exiting)

I think it's important to note that I'm not a violent person, I don't like to make a scene in public, and, like most people, I'm not a big fan of confrontation. Having said that, my frustration with humanity, and specifically the people exiting the train the other day, brought me to violence.

If a large group of people are exiting a train and heading out through the turnstiles, leave at least one open for the people trying to get in. At the very least, step aside if you see someone trying to get through and people are exiting all of the other turnstiles. This is especially true if you just exited a train and there are people rushing to swipe through and catch it before it leaves. I promise you that the 15 seconds it takes to let people through is more valuable to their making the train than it is to your rush to open air. Days and nights can be made or destroyed by missing the train, especially late at night, and while maybe that person shouldn't have stopped to tie their shoe or say hi to their buddy on the street, it's you they will remember and focus their anger on when they can't get through the turnstiles. So either give people the common kindness of stepping aside and letting them swipe through, or be prepared to Turnstile Joust someone as they decide not to step back and let you through.



Because that's exactly what I did the other day while trying to make the train. The train pulled up and people charged through all four turnstiles. I tried to swipe through one and a girl charged through the other direction, apologizing, but not stopping. The next girl saw this happen and then proceeded to walk through anyway. I looked up as the train doors remained open for the last few stragglers getting off. I decided I was going for it and as the next guy went to go through, so did I.

He made it through first, but before he could clear the exit and the next person could follow him, I swiped my card and forced the issue. My shoulder and chest caught him and he went careening off to the side. I ran through the turnstile and to the train, but the doors were gliding shut and I'm no Indiana Jones.

Missing the train by an instant, I thought back to the people who wouldn't let me through and the guy who I'd bumped past like in the final challenge of American Gladiators. I was angry, but the worst part was that it had felt good-- like justice. So, please, remember my disclaimer at the beginning, and do yourself and everyone else a favor, and if you see someone waiting to get through some turnstiles, help them out and let them through.